


When I'm gone

by Just_Larry



Category: One Direction (Band)
Genre: Cancer, Character Death, Established Relationship, Future Fic, M/M, Sad, the other boys are just mentionned
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-09-19
Updated: 2014-09-19
Packaged: 2018-02-18 00:40:22
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,246
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2328917
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Just_Larry/pseuds/Just_Larry
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Harry is dying but before he's gone, he needs to tell the story of his life with Louis.</p>
            </blockquote>





	When I'm gone

**Author's Note:**

> I'm sorry if this story makes you cry.
> 
> Enjoy (or at least try to)!
> 
> ___________________________

When you will read that, I’ll be gone.

 

I’ll be gone for ever and yet still here somehow.

 

Leaving is the hardest thing I ever had to do.

 

I know that Lou will have to try to go through the day, one step at the time.

He will wake up every morning and realise I’m not lying next to him anymore.

He will see me every night in his dreams, being with me for a few more hours. But he will wake up alone in that bedroom which used to be filled with our “I love you”.

He will get up and put bread in the toaster. He will take two mugs in the cupboard and then realise that only one cup of tea needs to be made. The toasts will burn, but I won’t be there anymore to laugh at his terrible cooking skills.

 

Darcy will need help to put her hairband on, but I wont be there anymore to help her fix hair.

William will lost his favorite toy, but I won’t be there anymore to know where to look for it.

Edward will have nightmares in the middle of the night, but I won’t be there anymore to sing him back to sleep.

 

I won’t be there.

 

I had an amazing life. I had the chance to do I love for a living. Be on stage. Sing with my best friends. Have the best husband and three wonderful children. I’ve loved and been loved in return. There is nothing more I could wish for, except for more time.

 

***

 

I used to sing _“If we could only turn back time”_ and I know now that, if indeed I could turn back time, there is nothing I would change.

 

I met my soulmate at 16. I was so nervous but the moment I saw those blue eyes I knew I would be okay.

We shared our first kiss only few days later and I knew we were meant to be like that forever.

We fall in love under the eyes of the public. They saw us falling for each other week after week.

We moved in together. We get to spend each minute of each day together. It was perfect.

 

***

 

Love hit us like a lightning but fame hit us harder.

 

Being number one was a dream we all shared, but we didn’t knew how hard it will be for Lou and I.

 

Having two gay members was out of question for our management, let alone two members in a committed relationship.

They gave Lou a girlfriend, Eleanor, she was a nice girl but I could stand the fact she get the right to be with Lou, call him hers.

They gave me so many girlfriends that I lost tracts, I was _“the flirt”_ , wasn’t I?

 

After being seen as the best friends in the world for over 2 years, they decided that Lou and I couldn’t be seen together anymore.

We weren’t allowed to be next to each other during the interviews, concert or anything actually.

I had to buy a place I wasn’t living in, I had to spend my days off in L.A more often than not.

Being in L.A was nice when Louis was with me. Our home was our secret paradise. But the truth is that Lou didn’t get to be there with me a lot.

Every time someone said they saw us together, management staged an apparition to deny it.

Being kept apart was killing us. We were miserable back then. Even our moments together were tarnished by the fact that we knew they weren’t going to last.

 

By 2013, I was ready to come out and let the world know the real me. Lou wasn’t though and the subject torn us apart. At the end of that year we came to the conclusion that we needed a break from each other. We broke up.

For the first time in years we weren’t together for his birthday, we didn’t spend Christmas with each other family. He wasn’t the first person I kissed or at least called at midnight in New Year’s Eve.

Falling asleep without him wishing me good night, waking up without his warmness, even watching a movie without him cuddling me, was more difficult than I ever imagined.

 

The day before my 20th birthday, I called him and left a message in his voicemail, telling him I didn’t want to enter a new decade without him. Confessing that even spend another day without him next to me wasn’t something I wanted anymore.

I was in L.A with my _“girlfriend”_. She had planned a party with her friends. Turning 20 without my family, my friends and the man I loved was never something I had imagined or wanted and yet here I was.

 

On the morning of February 1st, I was awoken by my doorbell. I went down the stairs cursing between my teeth that Kendall could have waited until later to show up. I opened the door and Lou was standing there. He just told me _“I've got you a present, love.”_. Behind him I saw my parents, Robin and Gemma. He had brought my family with him. The only present I actually needed that day.

That night after everyone has left and my family went to the hostel they were staying at, Lou and I stayed together and we talked for hours. He told me how much he loved me, how much he missed me during those last past weeks.

 

Later that night, while I was falling asleep in his arms I knew I was finally home. I knew I wanted to spent the rest of my life this exact way.

  
  


***

 

Management had made it clear that there was no way we could come out before the end of the contract, but for the first time in so long I didn’t care anymore. Lou and I were together, nothing would ever come between us, we were fireproof.

 

In the eyes of the public we were still hating each other or at least ignoring each other existence when we celebrated the four years of the band and Lou and I’s four anniversary.

 

We spend our anniversary in the Bahamas, just him and me. We were in a short break in the middle of the _Where We Are Tour_ and the boys surprised us with a hostel reservation under the name Larry Tomlinstyles (Niall’s idea without a doubt).

 

The first night, as we were lying together on the beach, Lou told me _“Remember when I said I’d marry you?”_. Of course I remembered. _“I meant it. I still do. Marry me, Harry.”_.

 

We got married the following Christmas day, at my dad’s bungalow. The very place we first said _“I love you”_ to each other.

The wedding was simple, intimate. Lou’s best men were Stan and Zayn, I choose Niall and Gemma. Liam officiated. That day was full of joy, tears, laughs and love. Just like we dreamt it.

 

The first official event after our wedding was the first show of our _On The Road Again_ Tour in Sydney. I was 21 and 6 days and happy as never before.

We didn’t made any statement, we weren’t allowed to. Instead we just got on stage with our matching wedding bands on our fingers and wide smiles on our faces.

Of course the fans noticed the rings and a lot of them drawn the conclusion that we were married. We didn’t confirm or deny anything.

 

***

 

By the time we left our old management, our surrogate was 4 months pregnant with Darcy and our new team allowed us to came out. We could have chosen to make a public announcement in the press or in TV. Instead we decided to make it our own way. We just went shopping for baby supplies with our surrogate.

 

Of course we lost a few fans and some comments were very hurtful but most of the reactions were positive.

 

We arrived holding hands at the next Brit Awards and when the interviewer asked us if our baby was a girl or a boy, Lou just took his phone and showed him a picture of me holding our baby girl.

Darcy was the perfect combination of the two of us. Gemma gave us the egg and Louis was the biological father. Our daughter was born with bright blue eyes and brown curls. She was and still is our little treasure.

 

***

 

The band was still on top, Zayn and Perrie had a little boy named Bradfort a year after Darcy was born. We were touring with two toddlers and Niall and Liam’s girlfriends were joining us more often than not.

 

We always wanted kids, three of them, and when Darcy was 3 we decided it was time to have another baby. This time Fizzy gave us the egg. Jay joked that with her genes in the egg we could end up with twins. It wasn’t a joke at the end of the day, and 9 months later Lou and I left the hospital with a baby in each of our arms.

 

Edward was Darcy’s perfect replica but William had my eyes and Lou’s hair.

 

When we learned we were having twins, we decided to take a 2 years break with the band. The boys were perfectly fine with it because Liam was also about to be a dad, Zayn wanted more time with his son and Niall was at the beginning of a new relationship.

Those 2 years were amazing. Being able to wake up every morning at home, spending all day with our kids, having time to see our families…

 

***

 

Our come back was scheduled in less than a month and I felt more and more tired every day. My body was sore as if I was exercising too much all the time. Lou forced me to see a doctor and that’s when my - well our - whole changed.

 

I was diagnosed with a stage 4 bone cancer. No therapy could save me. I was given 6 months to live at the longest.

 

We spend the first days crying in each other arms. Our families came to stay near us. The boys moved in.

 

***

 

The 6 months mark is tomorrow. I’m sitting in our couch with my laptop and a cup of tea.

Last week the doctors told us that giving my last exams I only had a few days left.

Lou and I knew from the day we found out I had cancer, that I wouldn't stay at the hospital. I wanted to spend the little time I had with my beloved children and husband.

 

So here I am. At home, dying. Watching my family playing in the garden. Listening the love of my life laughing with our kids. Seeing my kids just being kids. My friend Ed said in one of his song that _“Should this be the last thing I see, I want you to know it’s enough for me, ‘cause all that you are is all that I’ll ever need”_ and at this very moment, this is exactly how I feel. 

 

I know I'm going to leave a cruel, terrible hole in my family and friends’ life. And trust me I don’t want to.

 

I will give anything to be here with them. Eating too many fruits, singing too loudly in the shower, cuddling my kids, loving my husband, annoying my sister and amusing my friends.

 

I wish I could tell my mother she won’t have to survive her son. I wish I could tell the fans we’ll come back soon, I wish my kids were not about to lose their Daddy, I wish I could stay with my Lou forever. But I guess there are wishes that can’t come true.

I will leave soon. I won’t grow old and grumpy with Lou. I won’t see my kids going to college and get married. I won’t be on stage ever again. I won’t be there for the people I love when they will need me the most.

 

I’m leaving and all I know is that I don’t want to.

 

But when I’m gone, I want you to be happy, to embrace your loved ones tightly, to adore your kids and partners. To be there for each other in happy or sad times.

 

I’m leaving and still I’ll be there somehow. When you’ll close your curtains at night, look for the weirdest star and I’ll be there eating a banana, sipping tea and singing.

 

I’ll be there.

 

Please tell the fans that I owe them everything good that have ever happened to me. Tell my sister I love her and to take care of our parents. Tell my parents I could never thank them enough for what they did for me, for loving me so much. Tell the boys they were my brothers, the best friends I could never asked for and to take care of each other. Tell my kids that I’m so proud of them and that they were the best things in my life. Tell my Lou that he was and always will be in my heart, that he was everything to me, that just knowing him and loving him made my life worthwhile.

  
  


Thank you for this amazing life.

 

Love,

 

Harry Tomlinson-Styles

  
  
  
  


\-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

  
  


Harry died that evening. In Louis’ arms, while the kids were already asleep. And for the very last time, Louis sung him to sleep. 

 

  
  
  
  
  
  



End file.
